What does the Proverbs 31 woman need from her husband who is the Proverbs 31 man in order for her to be all that God intends for her to be? I believe we can find that answer in Proverbs 31, too.
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1 The words of King Lemuel, the utterance which his mother taught him:
Proverbs 31:1-3
2 What, my son?
And what, son of my womb?
And what, son of my vows?
3 Do not give your strength to women,
Nor your ways to that which destroys kings.
According to Strong’s Concordance, Lemuel is the symbolic name of King Solomon. Other accounts suggest that King Lemuel is a gentile king. Either way, this is a proverb written by a king under the counsel of his mother. Together, they are strategizing the best criteria for this king’s future wife. This is a wish list and not a description of an actual woman. Comparing actual human women to this list can be as unfair as comparing her to Barbie or Jessica Rabbit. However, this list is a great tool for self-reflection and finding areas where improvement can be made in one’s own self.
3 Do not give your strength to women,
Proverbs 31:3
Nor your ways to that which destroys kings. Proverbs 31: 3
Deuteronomy 17:17 gives us the specifics on the ways that destroy kings.
Neither shall he multiply wives for himself, lest his heart turn away; nor shall he greatly multiply silver and gold for himself. Deuteronomy 17:17
Deuteronomy 17:17
However, we can see in 1 Kings that Solomon does not listen to this advice, so perhaps this was written by a gentile king or further evidence that Solomon’s worldly wisdom can never be a suitable substitute for Godly wisdom.
But King Solomon loved many foreign women, as well as the daughter of Pharaoh: women of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians, and Hittites— 1 Kings 11:1
1 Kings 11:1
Nehemiah says it like this:
Did not Solomon king of Israel sin by these things? Yet among many nations there was no king like him, who was beloved of his God; and God made him king over all Israel. Nevertheless pagan women caused even him to sin. Nehemiah 13:26
Nehemiah 13:26
4 It is not for kings, O Lemuel,
Proverbs 31:4-5
It is not for kings to drink wine,
Nor for princes intoxicating drink;
5 Lest they drink and forget the law,
And pervert the justice of all the afflicted. Proverbs 31:4-5
This is a beautiful reminder that even the king is subject to the King of King’s and His Holy Law. We should never under any circumstances allow anything in our lives to have enough power to cause us to “forget” or ignore the law… or in our case, the holiness code that the Holy Spirit writes on our hearts as we search God’s Word and spend time in His Presence. Make no mistake that the New Testament “Law” written on our hearts is a higher and stricter standard than the Old Testament Law. We can see this clearly in Matthew 5:21-30.
21 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
Matthew 5:21-30
6 Give strong drink to him who is perishing,
Proverbs 31:6-9
And wine to those who are bitter of heart.
7 Let him drink and forget his poverty,
And remember his misery no more.
8 Open your mouth for the speechless,
In the cause of all who are appointed to die.
9 Open your mouth, judge righteously,
And plead the cause of the poor and needy. Proverbs 31:6-9
The Proverbs 31 man knows how to walk in love and charity. He helps those who cannot help themselves and speaks for those who cannot speak for themselves. He is both a righteous judge and also a defense attorney.
Now, let’s see what we can learn about the Proverbs 31 man from the description of the Proverbs 31 woman.
10 Who can find a virtuous wife?
Proverbs 31:10
For her worth is far above rubies. Proverbs 31:10
First, the Proverbs 31 man must be searching for this woman. This man must be willing to put in the effort to find her the same way one would put in effort to find a rare jewel, because the Proverbs 31 man will recognize her value and worth. He will understand that she is the most valuable person in his life and protect her as the treasure that she is because the words “virtuous wife” literally means a wife of valor in the sense of all forms of excellence.
11 The heart of her husband safely trusts her;
Proverbs 31:11
So he will have no lack of gain. Proverbs 31:11
The Proverbs 31 man recklessly trusts his wife in speaking truth to him even when his ego cannot bear it. He KNOWS she is a safe place even when his feelings are hurt.
I watched a video of a mother bunny attacking a snake that suffocated her babies. The snake could have easily suffocated her and had a big ole dinner, but she was relentless in chasing him down and attacking him with bites and kicks.
A woman’s self-preservation instinct is fierce. She will sacrifice her own life to preserve her family unit. Weakening her protector, her captain, her head is not a natural stance for women. A woman will build, strengthen, nurture, and prune those around her to make them better, stronger, and better able to withstand troubles because that makes the whole unit stronger and better able to withstand troubles.
I saw a reel the other day that said that certain key fobs on vehicles will continuously “talk” or send signals back and forth to the vehicle unless the vehicle is locked and/or the fob is past a considerable distance from the vehicle. People who neither lock nor keep their keys far away will have to change out their batteries much more often spending hundreds of dollars unnecessarily over the lifetime of the car.
Your wife’s inconvenient, “unsafe”-feeling criticism is often her self (or family unit) preservation instinct sending out a warning that something in your life is draining the family battery unnecessarily… or the bank account, or spiritual reserves… and what is usually (in her eyes) a simple little change that can save untold problems, money, pain…
Can a woman go overboard? Absolutely, but because these are God-given gifts to her FOR the FAMILY unit, any appearance of her going overboard should be brought before God and NEVER unilaterally dismissed because she seems “crazy”. God planted this gift deep inside of her so that her husband “would have no lack of gain” or will increase, profit, grow, and prosper.
The heart of her husband trusting in her isn’t about her trustworthiness as much as it’s about his ability to give trust because God has equipped her with gifts to help him grow and prosper.
12 She does him good and not evil
Proverbs 31:12
All the days of her life. Proverbs 31:12
Since this scripture looks like it’s all about her love walk, it’s tempting to let men off the hook on this one, but let’s not.
The Proverbs 31 man will set his wife up for success in doing him good and not evil until death do they part. When I went to college for education, we were taught to create an environment that is conducive to learning. Is the light adequate to see what needs to be seen? Are there distractions that can interfere with concentration? Are you trying to do a more difficult subject during a time when students are more likely to be hungry or tired?
Men, are you expecting your wife to be a cheerful giver to you when she is running on fumes and has nothing left in her to give. Are you depleting her resources while expecting her to have an endless supply to give out? Are you giving her the resources she needs to give back to you like she should? Resources might include breaks, spiritual development, books, help, babysitters, housekeepers, laundry services, eating out, family togetherness, date nights, conversations with you, uninterrupted conversations with her friends, girls night out, girls weekend away… this list can go on and on.
Have you asked her what she needs from you in order to be good to you with no evil all the days of her life?
13 She seeks wool and flax,
Proverbs 31:13
And willingly works with her hands. Proverbs 31:13
She clothes her family and is willing to put her own effort into it. Most men these days realize they would be better off financially with a woman who is a clearance aisle queen rather than a knitter or seamstress with the price of yarn, wool, and fabric. Regardless of whether your wife shops retail, resale, clearance, buys yarn and fabric, or raises her own sheep and alpacas for the wool and hair on land provided by you, the Proverbs 31 man will need to finance this. She will likely need a herd of sheep so she can make her own yarn in verse 19. While I haven’t priced sheep, sheep food, sheep care, etc., I can’t help but think there are better options for business and clothing one’s family.
She is like the merchant ships,
Proverbs 31:14
She brings her food from afar. Proverbs 31:14
Have you priced food from afar lately? The Proverbs 31 man does not expect steak and lobster on a mac & cheese budget. If you want your wife to cook like a French master chef, offer to send her to France to train under the experts. If you want her to prepare delicacies from exotic place, you will need to pony up the cash.
15 She also rises while it is yet night,
Proverbs 31:15
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants. Proverbs 31:15
The Proverbs 31 man helps ensure that his wife gets enough sleep so that she is able to rise up early to cook and take care of morning routines, making sure everyone else has what they need for the day, and getting everyone where they need to be. He also gives her all the necessary resources to do her job effectively, efficiently, and successfully.
She considers a field and buys it;
Proverbs 31:16
From her profits she plants a vineyard. Proverbs 31:16
She’s a gardener! This hobby will eventually pay for itself, but in the meantime, your wallet will need intensive care. Tillers, fertilizer, raised beds, shovels, rain barrels, fencing, green houses, and pots can all add up.
17 She girds herself with strength,
Proverbs 31:17
And strengthens her arms. Proverbs 31:17
The Proverbs 31 man gives his wife the time, opportunity, and finance to exercise daily. Some Proverbs 31 women may need a gym membership or exercise equipment in the home, others will need time, childcare, or help.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is good,
Proverbs 31:18
And her lamp does not go out by night. Proverbs 31:18
She is a business woman who has stock in oil… or keeps enough oil for her lamps. The Proverbs 31 man has no problem providing the start up costs for his wife’s business dealings, and he gives her the money to keep the power on at the house.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
Proverbs 31:19
And her hand holds the spindle. Proverbs 31:19
A machine to turn her wool that she collected into yarn can range from a couple hundred to a couple thousand dollars. After all the money the Proverbs 31 man invested in his wife’s herd of sheep, what’s another couple thousand dollars? He happily pays it.
20 She extends her hand to the poor,
Proverbs 31:20
Yes, she reaches out her hands to the needy. Proverbs 31:20
The Proverbs 31 man not only funds his wife’s lifestyle, but he also funds her charitable giving which is immense because she is an extraordinarily generous woman.
21 She is not afraid of snow for her household,
Proverbs 31:21-22
For all her household is clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes tapestry for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Proverbs 31:21-22
The whole household has expensive winter wear. Only the best for the Proverbs 31 family! Am I right? She has picked up another hobby: tapestry making or interior design. She has exquisite taste and would never waste the Proverbs 31 man’s money, but the 27 throw pillows for the bedroom are essential. Naturally, she wears the latest fashion trends. The Proverbs 31 man is all too happy to pay for it all.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
Proverbs 31:23-24
And supplies sashes for the merchants. Proverbs 31:23-24
Who knew that the Proverbs 31 woman could turn a fancy little cocktail dress and cocktail party into millions of dollars worth of political and business connections? The Proverbs 31 man knew it, of course. That’s why he doesn’t bat an eye at her credit card bills as he pays them.
I had my son, who is hoping to find his Proverbs 31 woman, read this post. He felt like I over-emphasized the financial aspect. The Proverbs 31 man was the king, and possibly even King Solomon who was the richest man on earth. He had no problem financing his wife’s endeavors.
Strength and honor are her clothing;
Proverbs 31:25-29
She shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
And on her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
Her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many daughters have done well,
But you excel them all.” Proverbs 31:25-29
The Proverbs 31 woman is extraordinarily blessed and privileged and gifted, but she needs a husband who allows her to be all that she can be by supporting her emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially.
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing,
Proverbs 31:30-31
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands,
And let her own works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31:30-31